and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
