he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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