How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
