I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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