DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
