The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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