I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
