I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
