I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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