oh god the rape fog is back!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
love makes seman taste better
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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