You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
