I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
