I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
