dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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