I wish I only lived at night.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
