There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
