well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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