My liver just broke up with me...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
