we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
