Jerry, you need to find god
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
