Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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