THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
