you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
