bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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