Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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