im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
