we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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