The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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