Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The best revenge is premature balding
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
