i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
