Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Everything about him screamed your future.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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