drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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