dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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