And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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