I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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