OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
