You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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