You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
