youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
