Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Less talking, more tequila
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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