I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
