Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
