Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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