My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Small penises have feelings too.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dick very happy bro
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
