apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
