i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
