Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
