There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
