New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I understand Curling. That high.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
