Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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