Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
